My Father's house

“No, you don’t understand. I have to get in there!”
The guard stood his ground and blocked the entryway.
“No, I don’t think you understand. Unless you have been invited you are not getting in.”
I extended my hand to the wall of the outer courts and leaned against it.
Exasperated, I rested my head against the cool clay wall and closed my eyes.
I ached with the desire to be in the presence of the one who, when everyone else deserted me, comforted me through the darkest moments of my life.
All of a sudden anger welled up in me. I pushed myself off the wall and stormed off away
from the light and noise of the gathering and stood in the darkness next to a palm tree.
I looked up at the stars and a breeze lazily lifted my hair of my forehead.
Looking at the stars in the silence of the night had always given me peace before, but
now I was seized with rage and my whole body was tensed.
Don’t my deeds count for something? All my life I’ve tried to be a good person.
I was faithful to my family, obedient to my parents, I followed all the laws that
were set before me.
In hopes of getting to be in the presence of the one I loved most I tried
everything to win favor with him.
And finally when I have the chance to be with him he does not let me in.
The sight of the night sky eventually calmed me and my anger turned into despair.
“So I guess this is it. I’m always going to be on the outside looking in.”
“Why is your heart cast down, child?”
I lowered my eyes from the sky to the silhouette of a man standing by me.
“I didn’t see you walk towards me. Why aren’t you inside?”
“I ask you the same question. Why are you not dining and singing joyful
songs in the home of my father?”
I squinted my eyes and tried to get a better a look at the man.
He turned and gestured towards the lit building in front of us.
“Is not that a better place to be then out here alone and in the darkness?”
I sighed and again I felt an ache in my heart.
“Believe me when I tell you that that is what I want more than anything.
But just a while ago I tried to enter in and I was stopped.
I explained to the man blocking my path that I knew the man inside
and that he would be pleased to see me.
The guard, however, said that I was not on the list of those he was allowed to let through.
I then told the man that I, more than one else, should be let through.
I was a good citizen and a righteous man.
“And as I was speaking to him this man in worn and ripped clothes came up.
The guard asked for his name and the let him through.”
“Good sir,” I addressed the mysterious man next to me. “Am I not clothed more finely than a king? My robes are of the finest cloth and crafted by the most excellent of cloth workers.
“How is it that this poorly looking man was let in and I was not? If you know the answer then please tell me because I am at a loss.”
“It is not the things that you do or the clothes that are on your back that will get you into my father’s house. All are worthless in my father’s eyes. He asked for obedience and faithfulness from those who serve him and all have fallen short of that. I tell you the truth, no one comes to my father except through me. For those who seek to be with my father, they must also seek me. For those who love my father, they must also love me.
Those who do not know me or do not love me my father will say he does not know them.”
The man turned and light illuminated his face. He resembled his father remarkably.
I bent down on one knee and bowed my head with respect.
“I am your father’s servant and now I am yours. Whatever you tell me to do, I shall do.”
The man put his hand on my shoulder.
“Arise and follow me.”
I stood up and the man led me towards the house I had failed to get into.
The guard saw us coming and moved out of the way with a bow.
A grin spread across my leader’s face as he entered the room.
“Father! I am home and I have brought a guest!”
The one who I had been trying to see my whole life stood up from the head of the table and
let out a bout of laughter.
“A guest of my son’s is a guest of mine! Come child,
I gladly welcome you into my home.”
He walked towards me and wrapped me in a warm embrace.

“Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. 

No one comes to the Father except through me.'”

John 14:6

Silenced by His love

I’m completely alone. No one loves me. No one notices me. No one cares.

Those words keep running through my mind constantly. There seems to be no end

to those words that pull me down. At times the weight seems unbearable.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. What a joke.
Words hurt me more than anything physical could ever do.
Physical hurt is just for a moment, but this emotional hurt and mental game goes on and on.

Those plaguing words weaken me now as I stand in a crowd.
Some are strangers; some are friends. It makes no difference because all they are to me are
people who don’t notice my hurt, people who ask “How are you doing?” but don’t care to
hear the answer. Or if they do, they accept my fake “good” and move on. I look around with emptiness in my heart and words screaming through my mind. Words directed to anyone who might take just a moment to look into my eyes and see a glimpse of them. Do you see me? Do you care about me? Do I matter?

But nobody notices the questions in my eyes. Nobody ever does. Some catch my gaze and hold it for a second, and it gives me hope that they may have noticed something; that they may have noticed me. But that second goes by and with it the gaze of that person moves to someplace else. I’m ready to give up the search and return to the words in my head. At least there’s something paying attention to me. With just one last sweep of my eyes across the room I let my hope die. It was a lost cause anyways. There’s always someone out there better than me to take hold of people’s attention.

Just then my eyes come to a startling stop on someone who is looking back at me. His stare so intense that it makes me feel like he was staring like that the whole time and that it was not just a nonchalant glance towards my direction. It’s as if he knew me, as if he had known me forever and so well that with just one look he could say to me what I had always wanted to hear. A doubt rose in my mind and I turned around to see if maybe he was staring at someone behind me, but when I did there was no one there. I turned back and saw that he was walking towards me through the crowd. Along the way many greeted him. It seemed like so many knew him. How come I had never noticed him before? All the while his gaze was on me. My hope began to flicker back. Did he really notice me? Does he care about me? Do I matter to him?

I watch you through the crowd. People pass by me and block my view sometimes, but every time I catch sight of you again your stance is the same. You stand there trying to make yourself as little and out of the way as possible with your shoulders hunched, your head down, and your hands in your pockets. Every once in a while you glance up to see if anyone has noticed you, but when they don’t I see you hunch even more and another crack forms in your heart. I want so much to reach over to your heart and bandage it and make it better than it ever was. But I know that the time has not yet come for me to do that. And so I wait. The scene before me is the one I’ve seen play out so many times before. I watch you day after day being beaten by those words that go through your head. Those words are such wretched, disgusting words. How did they get there? Who told you that you didn’t matter? Who told you that nobody cared? And even deeper than those word I see things that have taken root. They’ve been there for so long that you think that they’ve always been there – roots of worthlessness. Roots that are so thick and entangled that they smother and choke out any good that was planted there. Only your hope has been able to reach through those roots and grow. But I can see now that the hope planted in your heart is starting to turn brown and whither. So much work needs to be done in your heart and mind to restore what has been destroyed or what is near death.

Look at me, child, look at me! My heart breaks for you. If only you knew how much I cared! I would do anything to see you smile! I would even die, if only to give you a chance to live again! To see the garden of your heart flourish would be a joy to me.

There! You had just given up your search when you caught my eye. Yes, look at me! Don’t look away.

 I see a look of astonishment and then one of disbelief. I see the unanswered questions in your eyes that you’ve asked so many times to others. Now listen to my answers! You do matter! I do care!

You turn around to see if my attention is for someone else. How far away from my love you have gone! My voice has become unfamiliar to you, my face unrecognizable. When you were a child you so eagerly listened to my words. You heard my singing over you; you saw my gladness I had in you. When you were hurt and you cried I whispered words into your ear and your wails were silenced. I could freely hold you and freely love you. You were so full of joy! So much time has passed since then and the distance between us has widened until I was gone from your life completely.

But now, as I walk closer to you, I can see that your heart is ready for me again. You are ready to hear my songs and my whispers of love.

Your eyes fill with tears and your hope is coming to life again.

I reach out my hand to your cheek and your face willingly leans into it. Your tears spill over my fingers.

Listen! Your eyes lock with mine.

 “Year after year I have watched you suffer because of lies. Lies of worthlessness, lies that told you that you didn’t matter and that no one cared about you. You’ve suffered with lies that told you that your existence was unnecessary and unwanted.

“Now is the time to listen to the truth. I care about you. I delight in you. You are worth more to me than my very life! I love you.”

The tears had ceased to fall from your eyes and a smile I had waited so long to see crept over your face. I could see the roots of worthlessness wither away and in its stead spring up roots of love and peace and joy that were lying dormant, waiting to be awakened.

And those words, those distasteful words of lies that had constantly been played in your head like a broken record, were silenced.

My heart leaped with gladness and a song of rejoicing was ready on my lips.

The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One will save, He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17